On poor explanations.

Today in my wanderings of the wonderful world wide web, I have come across more than a few mentions and debates concerning the custom of men opening the door for women. Just to clarify -- I am not referring to instances where the lady is carrying three bags of groceries and would physically find it difficult to get the door open herself. Nor am I referring to instances where the man happens to be walking ahead of the lady and holds the door open for her because she happens to be following closely. I wouldn't consider either of those scenarios to come under "man opening the door for the woman", because in either of them the woman could just as easily be substituted for a man, and the man's position could also be filled by a woman.

There seems to be a prevalence of deliberately obtuse men crying foul because "I am so nice and polite, and women are all bitches because they don't appreciate my uncalled for acts of kindness!" At this point I'm always reminded of this article. Oh, that everyone could be exposed to the idea that not being a horrible person doesn't mean you are entitled to sex. There should be a class at high school dedicated to teaching young people that feigning niceness in order to get a girl to have sex with you is deceitful, predatory, and actually not nice at all.

Of course, the men doing the obnoxious whining are not explicitly stating "I opened a door for a woman and she didn't immediately fall to her knees and begin the Fellatio of Gratefulness", but it's fairly implicit when they say things like, "You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy", and, "What happened to all the nice guys? You did." 

I did? What happened? Did I frighten them off with my failure to fall desperately in love with the first male I met who came up with a flirty line? Did my belief in their friendship act put them in the inconceivable position of having to be clear about their intentions? For shame! To think I took all that fake niceness and didn't even pay for it "with physical intimacy". Aside from my obvious downfalls in my role as Breathing Sex Doll, I know plenty of nice guys. Genuinely nice ones. Guys who are kind and respectful and -- equally importantly -- funny and smart and conducting lives of their own that don't involve following me around like a desperate little puppy dog.

Anyway. Back to the door thing. I'm sure plenty of men insist on adhering to tradition out of a genuine desire to do the polite thing, and I'm not at all criticizing them for it. Once, a very elderly man opened a door for me, and I smiled and thanked him because
a) he was clearly from a generation where this was an extremely polite and respectful thing to do, and
b) old people aren't the best at learning new tricks, so to speak. He was probably also racist, but I wasn't about to argue with him about it, because the chances of me suddenly enlightening him at his age are pretty slim.
What I am criticizing is this alarming tendency for men, especially young men, to dismiss the views and feelings of the subject of this politeness as 'bitchy' or 'rude' if she doesn't appreciate it: "Because they lack the grace and goodwill to accept that someone is trying to show respect for their feelings."

Let me get this straight: you open the door for a woman, she expresses that she feels uncomfortable with it, and you call it a lack of grace and goodwill, because you were only trying to show respect for her feelings? Her feelings, which you had no idea of before you opened the door in the first place, are clearly not a big priority for you.

I guess my point is that if you were really so concerned with doing someone a kindness, wouldn't it bother you that the person you did it for was at least mildly upset by it? I mean, surely that wasn't your intention. And instead of blaming her for not seeing how great and selfless your gesture was, maybe you should be thinking that not all women like it when you do that. Evidently you cannot assume that that little act of chivalry is going to make her smile -- in fact there seems to be a pretty good chance that it will actually cause dismay. Perhaps it's not the best idea to do it for perfect strangers, whose views and attitudes you have no idea of.

Some women absolutely adore it when a man opens a door for them. It makes them feel special and respected, and that's fine. Some women find it patronizing, and that's fine too. They don't owe you an explanation, much like they don't owe you an explanation for why they dislike seafood or why exactly their favourite shoes are their favourite shoes. However, I feel like a general explanation is required here, because it seems as if the majority of door-opening men who have received a less-than-thankful response for their actions are genuinely bewildered as to why any woman would take offense.

The fact is that the gesture of opening doors for women is a paternalistic one. Do you open doors for men? No. Why not? Because you won't get a date out of it? Because obviously men open doors for themselves, and it'd be weird for you to interfere? Why should you be uncomfortable opening doors for men if your only motivating factor is to do something nice for someone? I'm sorry, but the only way you're going to be able to convince yourself that there is no male-dominant sexism at work here is by burying your head in the sand as deep as it will go.

Of course it's always nice when people do thoughtful things for each other. What makes this particular situation awkward is that it requires an assumption on the part of the man that any given woman must consider his admittedly old-fashioned chivalry thoughtful -- and that a woman who doesn't must be broken. Women like doors to be opened for them, and that's all there is to it. Right?

Well, no, like most sweeping generalizations, that's wrong. It's been wrong for a while now. I'm not saying that opening the door for a lady should be a punishable offence, but I do think it's a bit rich for guys to get pissed off when women feel patronized and insulted by it. Face facts: some women will, and they are completely justified in feeling that way. Bitter remarks about how "chivalry isn't dead, but women's appreciation of it is" only make you look like a nearsighted, over-privileged and uneducated dickhead.